[it’d be easier if she weren’t. shauna would have an outlet for the pulsing, throbbing rage that lives beneath her ribs if natalie were stern and sharp, if natalie snapped back when shauna went after her throat. it’d be simpler to just straightforwardly hate her, uncomplicated, black-and-white schoolgirl loathing, vented out in journal entries and long nighttime gossip sessions.
and yet: she can’t. because nat doesn’t bare her teeth and sink them into shauna’s jugular and because nat was there, holding her hand on the worst day of shauna’s life, because nat witnessed the last good things inside shauna bleed out into the snow the day her baby died. because nat understands shauna’s grief, her rage, and gives tiny concessions every which way, allows shauna to snarl and bite, when if their positions were swapped, if shauna was in charge – well.
anyone who’d seen her that vulnerable, that flayed-raw and weeping and bleeding with the weight of death in her arms (twice) would either be always within her reach or dead. they’d take every breath with her, lie within the range of her outstretched, bloodied arms, understand that there is no division between her and them, or they’d be meat for the feast.
after a long, weighty pause:] thanks. i’ll figure out how to say it, soon. to her, not anyone else.
no subject
[it’d be easier if she weren’t. shauna would have an outlet for the pulsing, throbbing rage that lives beneath her ribs if natalie were stern and sharp, if natalie snapped back when shauna went after her throat. it’d be simpler to just straightforwardly hate her, uncomplicated, black-and-white schoolgirl loathing, vented out in journal entries and long nighttime gossip sessions.
and yet: she can’t. because nat doesn’t bare her teeth and sink them into shauna’s jugular and because nat was there, holding her hand on the worst day of shauna’s life, because nat witnessed the last good things inside shauna bleed out into the snow the day her baby died. because nat understands shauna’s grief, her rage, and gives tiny concessions every which way, allows shauna to snarl and bite, when if their positions were swapped, if shauna was in charge – well.
anyone who’d seen her that vulnerable, that flayed-raw and weeping and bleeding with the weight of death in her arms (twice) would either be always within her reach or dead. they’d take every breath with her, lie within the range of her outstretched, bloodied arms, understand that there is no division between her and them, or they’d be meat for the feast.
after a long, weighty pause:] thanks.
i’ll figure out how to say it, soon. to her, not
anyone else.