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@zombieboy

[masticated]

[she 'doesn't want to wake anyone' but that's all saber can think about. he's a loaded gun with a trigger finger, hungry for the delight that shauna has willingly offered, wanting to wake everyone within earshot. he texts her on the way there to make sure he's headed in the right direction (he gets lost often) but she isn't too far. leaning against the wall next to the door, he pulls out his phone to shoot her a message.]

come out and play

[he's giving her exactly two minutes. any longer and he isn't knocking, he's letting himself in. he's dressed in an ultra soft sweater and sweatpants, easy to get in and easy to get out of.]

[diarists]

[shauna's already on her feet, pacing on tiptoe, glancing at jackie sleeping all curled up and thinking about how it feels like sneaking into the closet with jeff during a sleepover, letting him pin her to the wall, letting his hands up under her skirt, welcoming it with open arms, open mouth. maybe that's what she needs; to sneak away, to make it quick and dirty and stealthy. because the message makes her stomach pitch and her breath catch, and with one more look to make sure jackie's asleep, shauna slips out into the hallway.]

Hi. [her voice pitches lower, instinctively, because she'd always tried being jackie when she was with jeff, tried being softer and sweeter, more a delicate slip of sunkissed hair and wide eyes. but then, huffing, she stands taller, shorts and a close-fitting t-shirt, trying to shake the self-consciousness. jeff had said he liked that shauna had bigger boobs, that she was curvier and softer, but who knows if he was just dumb from being so horny?

still: if saber doesn't like it, he can leave. shauna reaches out, boldly, grabbing for his hand and tugging him down the hall, barefoot, stage whisper:] C'mon, there's an empty room down here. Unless it's changed or -- something.

[masticated]

Hi.

[fast. like she's been waiting for him. her clothes are too smoothed out to have just been pried from bed, and saber's lips quirk at the idea that he got her heart pumping enough that she couldn't be still. had to see him, had to be ready, fresh and clean and pretty. she's not as nervous as she'd been, definitely not trying so hard.

she grabs his hand, he lets her walk far enough to have his arm stretched out in front of him. the process is going to be slow and at the pace he sets. watching, eyes trailing down her body, deliberate when he decides to follow her. follow her, like he doesn't know where they're going, like she has more control.]

Scoped the place out before I got here? [whispering too, keeping her hand in his and nudging his arm into her shoulder as they make their way to the empty room. tone shifting, taking on one more intimate before they even make it past the threshold.] What do you like?

[diarists]

Shut up. [it's easy to say, first tugging at saber's arm, feeling the taut strength of it as he lingers, dawdles, then the warmth of it against the loose shoulder of her t-shirt, making hot sparks shiver up and down shauna's spine. what do you like, he says, and she thinks of her fingers laced with mel's, tugging her along, into the shelter, pressing her down on the turf, smelling her sweat and churned up earth. she likes that, likes the desperate quiver of almost-fear when she hooks her fingers inside melissa's body, the sweet whimpery noises she makes.

but she'd liked that from jeff too, liked how he'd get weak-kneed at the end, hands clutching so tight they left bruises, hips bucking and breath gulping like a drowning man. need, shauna likes need, and control and power and watching someone fall apart because they want her so, so much. the door closes behind them, and shauna turns, tipping her chin upwards, eyes dark in the lightless room.] With guys? Being on top. Choosing how fast I wanna ride. I never had a guy go down on me before.

[she's dancing around it, around the blonde ghost that she's felt haunting the edges of her, this whole time, in this alternate reality where jackie's curled up to her every night instead. sometimes shauna thinks of the way mel would pant against the inside of her thigh after eating her out, surfacing from the clumsy, earnest, wholehearted worship of her underfed, tanned, scarred body. she thinks of jeff there, and can't quite picture it, can't imagine an encounter that isn't the front seat of his car, skirt hitched up, panties shoved down.

but she could picture saber. maybe. if he keeps smiling like that, like a bad idea, like a promise. shauna steps away, stretches her arms over her head, moonlight flashing on the stretch marks on her stomach.] What do you like?

[masticated]

[saber chuckles, low and deep, predatory in how he looks at her. he wants to swallow her whole. the moonlight makes her skin look porcelain for how pale she is. a moment's pause when he catches the stretchmarks, as brief as they show, they're there. he knows what those mean: a mother. not that he cares about them, but they make him more curious.

for as much space as there is between them he closes it, inching forward to walk her back toward the bed. deliberately slow until she's at the edge of the mattress. he's so close their hips are almost touching. no man ever having gone down on her, he wants the impression to last. wants her to think that only he can give what he knows she'll crave after him.]

We aren't at you riding my dick yet. I wanna know what you like before all that. [one hand reaches up to tuck her hair behind her ear and cup her face. gentle at first, thumb brushing over her lower lip.] Like how you touch yourself.

[he's not answering her, especially not as he's leaning down make it seem like he's going to kiss her. those plush lips of hers, he'd like to open them up and make her moan.]

I'll tell you what I like if you think it'll help get you wet. Get on the bed for me, hm?

[his free hand traces down between her breasts and lingers at her belly. he can sense that she's a bit nervous, not used to talking openly about things. what teenage girl is? he likes that.]

text — un: SCATORCCIO

[doped]

just wondering but what the FUCK is your problem shipman

[diarists]

what are you pissed about now
i woke up like five minutes ago

[doped]

why do i have someone in my messages asking me if i ate people in the wilderness? oh it's because someone fucking told them
you, shauna. you squealed. after we fucking agreed.

[diarists]

[...ah. well.]

why are you assuming it was ME?
there are FIVE of us here, and four of them know what happened.

@yellowjackie (backdated to 4/28)

[katharma]

[ jackie doesn’t think much of it when shauna doesn’t stir when she gets up at first. they’ve slept over countless times before crashing in the wilderness and neither are all that easy to wake unless they need to be. it’s not scary until she comes in with coffee and muffins for breakfast and she still doesn’t wake. not even when jackie calls her name, not even when she screams it, not even when she spills the coffee on the ground and gets back into bed to try shaking her awake, tears spilling over as she shakes her and shouts her name over and over and eventually wails when none of it works.

is this what had happened, she can’t help but wonder, when she’d found her? the thought makes her want to puke but she screams again instead, holding her tight.

eventually she calms, realizing the body she’s clinging to like an anchor is still warm. she presses her ear to shauna’s chest, crying all over again when she hears her heart. it’s beating. she’s breathing. she’s still alive.

so why can’t she wake up?

the passing few days until she does are spent alternating between their room and the rooms of the others after she tries reaching out first and doesn’t get an answer. she finds hair ties and rigs them to the doors so she’ll know if anyone’s been in while she’s gone. when night comes she goes back to the suite she and shauna share, only resting when her body won’t let her stay awake any longer.

while keeping watch over natalie and travis she pulls her phone out, mostly out of lack of anything else to do. ]

Hey.

I know you’re probably still asleep but IDK I guess this is in case u wake up and I’m not there

I asked about what might be wrong. It’s not just you I can’t wake anyone up. I’m scared.

If you wake up and see this write me back ok??? I mean I may just be there when you do. I don’t want to leave you alone but you’re not the only one I can’t wake up & I’m scared for them too so if you do & I’m not there I’m just trying to find answers OK???

I love you. I hope you wake up soon I can’t do this alone I never could

post-canon update

[diarists]

[the first person shauna thinks of when she wakes up is natalie, with a rush of fury that courses through her like wildfire. she wants to find her, she needs to get her hands around her skinny little fucking neck and squeeze and squeeze and --

and jackie is second, jackie's scent in the sheets, on the pillowcase, and the fury gets tangled with the bolt of fear that natalie's already found her, already said something, already ruined everything. she fumbles for her phone, dirt beneath her nails, hair longer and sunbleached and scraggly, blood still coating the back of her throat:]

jackei
jackie
im awke

[katharma]

[ she's taken some time to shower, since she's been told there's thing she can do until they wake up and she doesn't feel like doing anything else. she's getting dressed when her phone goes off, and she nearly knocks the phone over lunging for it. ]

SHAUNA OMG

I'll be right there I was just getting dressed don't move ok???

Do u need anything? RU hungry???

[ she remembers the doctor mentioning they may need nutrients. they'd determined people didn't need to do that before while falling into sleeps like this, but they might when they wake up. ]

cw: cannibalism

[diarists]

[she can hear the clanking and clattering of jackie in the bathroom and it makes her wheeze out a laugh, swallowing hard against the taste of -- blood, it's blood she can still taste, coating her throat, heavy in her stomach, suddenly roiling and churning.

she swallows again, harder.]

no i'm not hungry
definit ely not moving
way too comfy

text | un: stefan

[interpersonally]

I thought you should know, I won't be investing in your company.

Also, sorry for making it complicated. Combative. I wasn't nice.

Also, I'm sorry for the elaborate backstory you and your friends were given, disappearing in a downed flight. If I can help, I've had experiences with recurring ptsd from something not at the forefront of my mind. Sometimes, it sits with you.

[diarists]

[it -- almost makes her laugh, actually. her company. her business.]

it's cool.
i was kind of a bitch, so i don't blame you.




that part was true.
the flight.
it's fine, i barely think about it.

[she lied, lyingly.]

[interpersonally]

yeah, kind of. but I was also prying into your personal business. passing judgment. i usually wait to do that after I've known someone more than five minutes.

you lived through that? your plane went down? Before coming here?

[diarists]

we were kinda all assholes.
it's really whatever, i don't care.

yeah. may '95.
it was december '96 when we came here.

un: 🦋

[haggle]

hey lady di
you still want dance lessons?
limited time offer to learn from the best

un: shipman

[diarists]

lady what?
OH
oh yeah that
you still

want to do that shit?
even though we all went crazy through the looking glass for a month?

[haggle]

( et tu, shauna ... figures a teenager knows nothing about giving her some peace. )

lol
went crazy? bitch i've been crazy
you're flattering me

anyway
that ain't what i asked you
you wanna learn or not? tick tock
be quick about it

[diarists]

[there's a freeness to ani, a carelessness that shauna admires and she envies and she wonders about -- how she got there, how she stays there, how she keeps everything else in this shitty world from taking it away.

there's a hollowness inside her now, after june, after a life with her son in her arms. what else matters? does anything? she should just stop responding. she should give up entirely and curl into a ball somewhere far far away.

instead:] i'll probably suck at it, but
yeah
sure

@t.laughlin

[holyposition]

Hi, Shauna :)

I'm just texting to check in. I didn't see much of you during our month in fantasy land, but I was a terror, so it's for the best. I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you, that's all.

[diarists]

[she almost doesn't respond, too preoccupied with her own grief, her own second loss of her son -- and in it's wake, the reveals of just how deep the monstrosity of the team had gone, to jackie, to melissa, to everyone.

when she actually stops to read the message, it's in one of the few clear-headed moments between her spiraling, and she almost writes you should stay away from me, because tim is good. tim is good.

still, it's her duty to warn him, right? to make sure he doesn't invest any more time into the horror that is shauna shipman.]

hey.
i wasn't, but
it's still for the best.
i'm a terror normally, and everyone knows it now.

i'm not staying with jackie or melissa anymore.
sort of hiding out.

[holyposition]

I saw what happened to Jackie. I'm sorry. It must be so bittersweet, having her here.

Do you want some company? The room next to mine is only technically occupied, Hawk stays on my side.

cw: cannibalism

[diarists]

[he doesn't know. he doesn't know, he doesn't and

it's all over anyway. jackie saw. jackie saw.]

we ate her.
when it got cold and we ran out of food.
we ate her and then javi and then coach and then mari.





you don't want me anywhere near you.