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[diarists]

[shauna is an empty, needy, insatiable pit of desire and she knows it, knows that the core of her is want want want want, all the time. she wants jackie alive and mel in her arms and nat's respect and misty's allegiance and all the rest of them to listen and obey and love her, because she's all hurt, she's all wounds, she's bleeding and dying and someday she'll bleed out and maybe nobody will give a fuck. maybe it won't matter at all.

but -- here it does. here, there's no rescue, no plane coming to spirit them away and apart. it's the wilderness remade, it's death and fear and misery with a hut built out of delusion and desire at the center, and if shauna gets to be there with them both, maybe the bleeding will stop. maybe she'll stop reaching for her heart and finding nothing left.

so:] yeah.
that's what i want.
whatever else happens, i want that.

[fuck her future and her suburban life and her husband and kid (even if the last stings, still, calliecalliecallie like a bell in her soul). shauna wants this as long as she can have it.]

[temujackie]

i want that too
you, i mean
and i like jackie

[ Jackie being into it would be amazing, but even if she's not, Mel will share Shauna with her. As long as Jackie's not not into doing that, of course. So they might have to talk about it and it might force Jackie and Shauna to put a label on something they've always kept nameless, but that doesn't need to happen, like, today. Or this month even. She's just happy right now, with this, with Shauna. ]

there is one thing though

[diarists]

okay.
cool.

[and maybe it'd be that easy, maybe one thing will be simple and uncomplicated and -- good. maybe one thing's allowed to be good.

shauna holds onto that thought tight, even when the caveat comes, bracing herself for whatever it might be--] yeah? what's the one thing?

[temujackie]

you have to share me too
i mean, i'm like, not really seeing anyone else NOW, [ thanks werewolf drama, ] but if i wanted to

oh, and if you ever talk to me again the way you did back in the village, we're done for real

haha i guess that was two things :) whoops

[diarists]

[shauna is so so sooooooooo fine with that. so fine. so fine.]

yeah. sure.
fine. just
come home to us after.
okay?

i didn't mean all that. i was just [angry, angry and hurt and incapable of articulating why, why seeing someone she loved smiling and laughing and close to someone else was such a fundamental part of who shauna was, down to her marrow. jackie and jeff are melissa and gen melissa and hannah melissa and a plane taking them back to a life shauna never wanted to return to.]

pissed off.
i do really shitty stuff when i'm pissed off.

[temujackie]

you're my #1. always :)

i know
i get it. it was a different place and you were under a lot of pressure

[ Melissa does get it. Taking over as antler queen and in a single night having to deal with intruders, a murder, Melissa getting shot, capturing the two runaways, and then figuring out what to do next. At the time she'd been so wrapped up in the idea of finally being able to go home that it hadn't occurred to her how fucked up and overwhelming that must have all been for Shauna.

It doesn't make what happened okay, but it puts it into perspective enough for Melissa to be willing to give her another chance. ]