diarists | ic inbox for saltburnt

I think he was full of it. He was a complete idiot. Head trauma, or something.

Could use a few angels right now. Something to get my dismembered friends out of my head.

bummer for him. oh. which one's yours? nat's ours, but. yeah. you knew that.

Koby. We've been best friends since the very beginning. The first batch of people dragged to this place.

Jacaerys too. He was staying with Harry and I for safety. But it didn't matter.

I did. I'm sorry, Shauna.

[she doesn't know either of them -- doesn't know most people, has kept to herself and the team by nature or design or both. opening up to other people causes only pain.

and yet: here she is, in pain anyway.]

i'm sorry. it's shitty. this is all so fucked up. nat's like jackie. was like jackie. a good person.

I think it's worse than last year. They never killed ten in one night. I almost died, but at least I knew who to look at.

I didn't really know her. But I thought it was brave of her to try and fight the house itself. Do you know who would want to hurt her?

you did? were you scared?

[was nat scared, was she scared like we were out there--]

no. she's the one people like. her and jackie and mel and everyone except me, i guess. and misty, but misty doesn't give a fuck. uh maybe ren and them? they could be pissed about us voting devon.

He strangled me with a belt and dragged me out to the lake to drown. I was scared for most of it. But at the very end, I'd sort of...accepted it. After all my strength was gone and I couldn't fight anymore.

Almost the exact moment I was pulled out of the water.

I think you're really hard on yourself, Shauna.
It could be retaliation. Or maybe someone knows your group is so tight, and wants to cause problems between you.

someone saved you? one of the doctors?

[then why why why didn't they save nat didn't they see she was the best of them didn't they want to keep that?]

i know who i am. what i've done. i've never killed anyone. i wouldn't kill anyone. this isn't the wilderness, and before all that, i was a good person, i think. a fucked up person, but a good one, deep down. maybe i'm not that anymore, but i didn't kill anyone, tim. none of us did.

Yeah. Hawk.

I believe that you are. But the worst thing about this "game" is that it doesn't matter. Any of us could have done it.

I could have done the crucifixion ones. Ever since I died, it's been happening to me every month. I'm almost desensitized to it now. You could have stabbed someone. Harry could have butchered those people. What's in your heart, I don't think has anything to do with it. That's what makes it so hard.

if it was harry, would you send him to those cages? people DIE there. would you send him knowing he could die?

We promised each other that if the evidence pointed to either of us, we wouldn't shy away from it. He feels terrible about the things he had to do when he was stranded, I know he wouldn't want to be forced to hurt anyone else. Neither do I.

I think the Alpha punished Saber for messing up and not finishing the job.

or for getting caught. if you think i did it, then you gotta think real, real hard about whether you think i deserve to die for it.

I don't.

I'll be honest with you, I had some suspicions. Because I knew you were the butcher when you were stranded. No offense - I've had to consider every angle.

But you can't magically compel people, or rip anyone's head off their shoulders, or magically cauterize anything. I think people are quick to look at your team because you're so tight and so defensive.

i think we have a right to be. i mean, obviously. i didn't hunt or kill, out there. i cut bear meat into rations and i made sure everyone had enough.

I know. You've been coming under fire, hard. But you're tough. You'll be okay.

As far as I'm concerned, you're off the hook. There was too much magic involved.

yeah. we are. dunno if anyone will ever talk to me again, but. yeah? thanks.

I will. Promise.

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