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[diarists]

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[diarists]

yeah? really?
you'd show me how to do all of it?
i know how to use a knife already.

dunno who that is.

[mygoodsir]

Really.
And that's an excellent start! We'll need to find something to train on, but I have some ideas about that.

Very tall. Life itself?

[diarists]

like something dead?
to practice cutting on?
don't doctors use cadavers?

uhhhhh not ringing a bell.

[mygoodsir]

Anatomists do, in my time. I've performed on twenty. Corpses here are in short supply, but I may know someone who can lend us a body.

Suffice to say he's no reason to lie to me.

[diarists]

like a living body?
we're going to kill someone?

[is she the slightest bit excited...perhaps.]

are you guys like
dating?
everyone here is dating someone ig
except me, now.

[mygoodsir]

Oh good heavens, no! I simply know someone who could survive such a thing.

Zephir and I? No. No, we were divorced in the delusion of June. But I feel for them very deeply, although they are not human. The people I am seeing romantically are all more or less regular people.

Oh? Are you alright? The end of a relationship can be quite traumatic.

[diarists]

oh. really? and they're like
cool with that? or are they just super into science?

oh yeah, the june thing. huh.
how many ARE you seeing?

it's fine. i'm fine.
they all found out what happened in winter and they hate me now or whatever.

[mygoodsir]

He's asked about some things that make me think he may be amenable. I will ask him.

A few. Tim knows, don't worry.

Why would they hate you?

[diarists]

oh, okay
keep me posted i guess?

i'm not
i guess i'm just
wondering how u talked about all that.

because of the hunts.
because of what i did out there.

[mygoodsir]

I promise I will.

Well, it wasn't particularly easy. I think perhaps it helped that when I met Tim he was deeply involved with Hawkins already - as I understand it, I was probably not supposed to be a 'serious' courtship. It would make him rather hypocritical if he'd reacted poorly, I suppose.

Shauna? What did you do, exactly?

[diarists]

huh. and you're okay with that?
sharing, i mean?

[there's a pause.]

that guy in your memory
the one who came in and made you butcher the dead guy.
he was like
in charge, right? and everyone hated him?

[mygoodsir]

My dear girl, I never expected to find love like I have here. I had thought sharing would feel a betrayal, but it has been quite the opposite: I am blessed to have so many in my life. (Although I am not immune to jealousy.)

Shauna you are nothing - nothing - like Cornelius Hickey. That man was a conniving weasel from the start. Yes, he was head of the mutineers, and no they did not hate him; I rather think the majority of them respected him. But his heart was rotten.

You are not like that man at all. You are good.

[diarists]

i guess i get that, kinda? i mean, before the last couple months, stuff was
good. it was good.

there was more. more that happened.
i remembered it later, but things got worse.
we had the chance to escape, to get rescued and i
wouldn't let us go. because i was finally in charge and i didn't want
to let go of that.
so i made us stay. and more people died.
because i agreed to have another hunt.

i'm not good, harry. i'm just like hickey.

[mygoodsir]

And you deserve good things, Shauna. You deserve to be loved.

No. You are not like that man. You are a young girl who was put in a terrible, awful situation. You wouldn't have done what he did. I know you wouldn't. You just made a mistake.

[diarists]

maybe. it doesn't mean they're going to happen.

if it was a mistake, it was one of lots and lots.
i shot at melissa. i ate jackie.
i forced nat to butcher our coach.
i did exactly what he did, see?

the exact same thing.
that's why they hate me.

[mygoodsir]

No. But you are so young still, my dear.

[Oh dear god.]

You are not the same.

You didn't murder anyone.

[diarists]

i don't feel it, anymore.
young, i mean.

it doesn't matter to them.
even if i never
even if it wasn't with my own hands.
people still died.

[mygoodsir]

I know.

And they have a right to their anger. But that does not make you a killer. It does not make you soulless. I have looked in your eyes and I know - I know - that you are not an evil woman.

Not all of it was your fault.

[diarists]

[there's a long, long pause.]

i didn't want to leave him there.

[mygoodsir]

No?

[diarists]

my baby. that was
part of why i did it.
why i wanted to stay.

[mygoodsir]

Oh, Shauna, my dear girl.

You are not a monster. They don't understand; you were a mother. It was not the same.

[diarists]

they made him into this
symbol of sacrifice. like fucking wilderness jesus, except he didn't come back after three days.
and everyone was acting like him dying was this great big symbolic thing, and like he was theirs, but he wasn't.

he was mine.
he's the only person who's ever been mine.

[mygoodsir]

That is appalling.

He was your son. Only yours. Not theirs. Not the forest's. Yours.

I'm so sorry, Shauna.

[diarists]

i used to be nice. i mean
i think i used to be a good person.



i don't think anyone understands the reasons i'm not anymore.