diarists | ic inbox for saltburnt

My dear girl, I never expected to find love like I have here. I had thought sharing would feel a betrayal, but it has been quite the opposite: I am blessed to have so many in my life. (Although I am not immune to jealousy.)

Shauna you are nothing - nothing - like Cornelius Hickey. That man was a conniving weasel from the start. Yes, he was head of the mutineers, and no they did not hate him; I rather think the majority of them respected him. But his heart was rotten.

You are not like that man at all. You are good.

i guess i get that, kinda? i mean, before the last couple months, stuff was good. it was good. there was more. more that happened. i remembered it later, but things got worse. we had the chance to escape, to get rescued and i wouldn't let us go. because i was finally in charge and i didn't want to let go of that. so i made us stay. and more people died. because i agreed to have another hunt. i'm not good, harry. i'm just like hickey.

And you deserve good things, Shauna. You deserve to be loved.

No. You are not like that man. You are a young girl who was put in a terrible, awful situation. You wouldn't have done what he did. I know you wouldn't. You just made a mistake.

maybe. it doesn't mean they're going to happen. if it was a mistake, it was one of lots and lots. i shot at melissa. i ate jackie. i forced nat to butcher our coach. i did exactly what he did, see? the exact same thing. that's why they hate me.

No. But you are so young still, my dear.

[Oh dear god.]

You are not the same.

You didn't murder anyone.

i don't feel it, anymore. young, i mean. it doesn't matter to them. even if i never even if it wasn't with my own hands. people still died.

I know.

And they have a right to their anger. But that does not make you a killer. It does not make you soulless. I have looked in your eyes and I know - I know - that you are not an evil woman.

Not all of it was your fault.

[there's a long, long pause.]

i didn't want to leave him there.

No?

my baby. that was part of why i did it. why i wanted to stay.

Oh, Shauna, my dear girl.

You are not a monster. They don't understand; you were a mother. It was not the same.

they made him into this symbol of sacrifice. like fucking wilderness jesus, except he didn't come back after three days. and everyone was acting like him dying was this great big symbolic thing, and like he was theirs, but he wasn't. he was mine. he's the only person who's ever been mine.

That is appalling.

He was your son. Only yours. Not theirs. Not the forest's. Yours.

I'm so sorry, Shauna.

i used to be nice. i mean i think i used to be a good person. i don't think anyone understands the reasons i'm not anymore.

I think you are good, still.

pretty sure you're the only one. and it's only cause you like get it. you lived it too.

I am certain others see the good in you.

I did. Do you think me a monster for it?

No. You didn't have a choice.

That's not true. I did.

i'm real good at history, remember? you didn't. neither did the donners or those guys in the andes. you didn't dress one of you up as a queen and hunt each other for fun. right?

No. We did other things.

but you didn't. you weren't like in charge.

No. I'm not cut out for leadership.

Shauna. You were not in a normal situation.

[there's a pause. then:]

well, if i'm redeemable, so are you. or we're both irredeemable. deal?

Deal.

I won't give up on you, you know.

ic inbox for saltburnt

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